Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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