one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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