nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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