Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
