I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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