'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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