Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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