dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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