Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
