I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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