Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I AM VODKA MAN
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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