Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
