i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
