I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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