Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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