I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
