Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
