I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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