i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
