I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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