if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
