I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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