got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
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I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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