I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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