I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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