I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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