u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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