hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize