the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
