After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
