Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You took a bar mat shot.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
