we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
