Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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