Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
