32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
make that 40.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We left the knife in your bed.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma