On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
