We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
should my penis look like a turkey
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
