I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just invented taco cereal.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
