he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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