my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
