Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
