finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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