Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
