At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
