God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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