i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
