areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
sex in a hospital.. check
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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