Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
