someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
