we have pet lesbian snakes
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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