i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I think my nap took me to another dimension
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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