I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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