Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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