You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
