Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
