i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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